Sometimes people say things that really make us feel in the dark and not too loving about ourselves. They are trying, but aren't always as patient and supportive with words in encouraging the best of ourselves.
OK let's be real, most people are listening with a different intention and care less about understanding and more about giving advice. I get it, this topic is not always an easy subject for most people. When having a one-on-one conversation, I'm often faced with the question of what actually helps to say to someone they deeply care about who is going through something really difficult. A life-changing dilemma that keeps you from getting much if not any sleep.
Our loved one's matter deeply to us and real changes aren't as easy as it may seem by simply giving advice. Am I right?
Think about it, what happens in a typical day and how many people are actually listening to a conversation without media scrolling and being fully in the moment? This is how your mind speaks to you when it comes to making changes. And all the inner chatter of conflict gets in the way!
Sometimes, that voice inside your head is the most determined to hurt you. Hurtful enough to affect your self-esteem and ultimately your well-being. That voice that keeps you stuck in the negative Breaking News at the hour cycle. Destructive endless voices that really do not serve you except reinforce more fear into making the changes necessary for this life!
When it comes to this sort of deep conversation, you may listen with intent and caring but have difficulty with what to say.
You find yourself making decisions before that difficult conversation has even started. Not even half way through the conversation you find yourself interrupting and personalizing anecdotal experiences. This is all understandable to human nature, people are attentive for those things that fit in with their views but dismissive to any views that do not and then typically advise only to what's more comfortable.
Nobody is perfect and we all deeply care about our loved ones and only want them to live and feel better. But when you personalize your own life's experiences and decisions, you might begin to concede to a tone of frustration and look for what you believe about yourself. With this comes the panic response of what you should never say. "You don't want to do that, "that's not my problem, "you've told me that already, "stop being a victim, "I told you so, "let me fix it, "it's not so bad, "you don't need goals, "that's a waste of time, "and when you fail, "that's impossible and too risky, "we all have issues so don't worry so much, "why try it's your predetermined fate, "it's all the same you don't have choices."
This is particularly a problem in a one-on-one conversation especially if the other is unable to pinpoint their issue.
So what have I learned?
Each time I'm in a private coaching session an inner sense of empathy, patience and love to those I am conversing with in listening to their deepest concerns and issues. An experience that is so much more than outward, but an inward experience of awareness, empathy, listening and integration.
This all re-enforces the lessons and helps me truly appreciate the magnitude and hurdles that far too many people have to overcome to be in the best version of themselves. They have to battle and contend in life each and every day.
As much as we wish to compel deep and lasting change upon our loved ones. Mandatory and imposed conversation is not always the best solution. But guided discovery and perspective helps the individual connect and facilitate an easier change. With this gentle process of health and well-being, change will then happen in its own time, moment and place when least expected.
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