Sometimes people say things that really make us feel in the dark and not too loving about ourselves. They are trying, but aren't always as patient and supportive with words in encouraging the best of ourselves. 

OK let's be real, most people are listening with a different intention and care less about understanding and more about giving advice. I get it, this topic is not always an easy subject for most people. When having a one-on-one conversation, I'm often faced with the question of what actually helps to say to someone they deeply care about who is going through something really difficult. A life-changing dilemma that keeps you from getting much if not any sleep.

Our loved one's matter deeply to us and real changes aren't as easy as it may seem by simply giving advice. Am I right? 

Think about it, what happens in a typical day and how many people are actually listening to a conversation without media scrolling and being fully in the moment? This is how your mind speaks to you when it comes to making changes. And all the inner chatter of conflict gets in the way!

Sometimes, that voice inside your head is the most determined to hurt you. Hurtful enough to affect your self-esteem and ultimately your well-being. That voice that keeps you stuck in the negative Breaking News at the hour cycle. Destructive endless voices that really do not serve you except reinforce more fear into making the changes necessary for this life! 

When it comes to this sort of deep conversation, you may listen with intent and caring but have difficulty with what to say. 

You find yourself making decisions before that difficult conversation has even started. Not even half way through the conversation you find yourself interrupting and personalizing anecdotal experiences. This is all understandable to human nature, people are attentive for those things that fit in with their views but dismissive to any views that do not and then typically advise only to what's more comfortable.

Nobody is perfect and we all deeply care about our loved ones and only want them to live and feel better. But when you personalize your own life's experiences and decisions, you might begin to concede to a tone of frustration and look for what you believe about yourself. With this comes the panic response of what you should never say. "You don't want to do that, "that's not my problem, "you've told me that already, "stop being a victim, "I told you so, "let me fix it, "it's not so bad, "you don't need goals, "that's a waste of time, "and when you fail, "that's impossible and too risky, "we all have issues so don't worry so much, "why try it's your predetermined fate, "it's all the same you don't have choices."

This is particularly a problem in a one-on-one conversation especially if the other is unable to pinpoint their issue. 

So what have I learned? 

Each time I'm in a private coaching session an inner sense of empathy, patience and love to those I am conversing with in listening to their deepest concerns and issues. An experience that is so much more than outward, but an inward experience of awareness, empathy, listening and integration.

This all re-enforces the lessons and helps me truly appreciate the magnitude and hurdles that far too many people have to overcome to be in the best version of themselves. They have to battle and contend in life each and every day. 

As much as we wish to compel deep and lasting change upon our loved ones. Mandatory and imposed conversation is not always the best solution. But guided discovery and perspective helps the individual connect and facilitate an easier change. With this gentle process of health and well-being, change will then happen in its own time, moment and place when least expected.

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Sure, things have changed a little but for how long? You know, it's just a matter of time. I get it, you keep doing what you are doing hoping that this magical solution is the solution to all of your concerns of well-being. Which often leads to making your personal situation even worse. Well I'm here to tell you that lthere are no simple solutions for maximizing well-being.

We are a highly advanced, complicated being of many different programs of health and well-being. If you want to turn the corner in all areas of your life in creating balance mentally, physically and emotionally. You have to base your improvements on common knowledge, reported evidence and advice from experts.   

What's Working for You and What's Not Working for You?

When meeting with people for the first time they typically think I'm going to just make recommendations of eating more salads and exercise. This is just a fraction of your health and maximizing well-being is so much more than this simple recommendation.

All too often this approach of just counting calories and miles is considered a failure because of how people look at themselves compared to what our culture considers a success.

Impatience set's in and now we feel there is a new magic solution just waiting for us behind that curtain. This is where the mistake occurs in dumping a touchdown that takes timely strategic game planning for a Hail Mary Pass!

Before attempting another Hail Mary! What has worked for you in the past? What have you done that others have complemented? How has your well-being affected your relationship? How would those closest to you describe your self-care? Where do you feel most stressed and the most resistance in your body and life? What would it look like for you to alleviate what's stuck? 

We all have patterns that keep us constantly switching lanes in a traffic jam instead of staying in a lane that just works. Still looking for the easy route? 

You Don't Know What You Don't Know

It's ok to read and google for just about anything, but you should also look for wisdom and perspective from the experience of those who are walking the talk. Books and search engines can be overwhelming and misleading in taking a much broader approach that has nothing to do with your personal situation. 

Stop Limiting Your Options of Well-Being

I spent many years of trial and error on new ways of health and happiness. Years of trying different diets, super juice and vitamin trends. Even becoming a vegetarian in thinking this was the only way to maximize well-being. I always felt deeply that something further was missing and as a practicing yogi, I never felt rooted and balanced from head to toe.

And then in 2010 I finally was shown a different path. A path with more light and less obstruction. A path that had been there all the time.

So What Changed?

I sought out an experienced mentor who had achieved much of what I wanted in well-being of mind, body and spirit. 

I was open to her connection to life and experience as a mentor and coach. She helped me redefine and gain a new perspective of all I considered health and happiness.

She looked into my past experiences and raised red flags when needed but most importantly allowed me to discuss my life goals and concerns with no judgment. I did not anticipate so many aha moments in just being myself and open to share my life experiences. I felt a renewed energy and optimism immediately after my first session.

Somtimes we need a different space in getting out of our own head of bad habits. Someone to point out what your life really looks like from a different perspective.

One size does not fit all and not everyone is able to invest in themselves as others for periods of time with a professional mentor. So what's next? 

I'm always humbled and amazed at how much we can learn about ourselves through the lives of others. See if you can find someone who is struggling with specific areas of well-being and think of ways in which you would help them. You might just find a few answers to your own life. 

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